Making Peace
Making anything takes effort whether you are making a meal or making furniture. Making peace is a lot harder than it looks and falls into that category of “easier said than done.” When two parties are in serious disagreement, it can feel like a war, full of bad feelings, fighting for influence and resources, and developing a stubbornness from not wanting to yield your position.
After a time, the stubbornness becomes the goal, and we often forget WHY we are being so stubborn. Both parties will not give way in any shape or form. Old grievances are listed again and again as we are determined to prove that we are right and they are so very wrong.
The problem is exacerbated by the “we/they” split. We become us and them; they are the enemy that has so grievously wronged us. Therefore, we will not give way or make any accommodations because, well, THEY STARTED IT!
But did they really start it? Did we actually start it? Was it a misunderstanding blown out of proportion and no one even remembers what happened and why everyone is so angry? Are we hanging on because we have tunnel vision and we cannot see another way because we have been so angry and frustrated with each other for so long?
The problem with this attitude is that it carries into the future, no matter how many new people get involved. The “old timers” remember all the negativity and all the bad stuff and make a point of passing it on to the new people in the group. And they certainly make it clear to the enemy that we don’t care if you weren’t here before. We are going to blame you too!
Relationships fall into ruts and it feels nearly impossible to change their direction. We maintain the angry and adversarial relationship because THAT’S THE WAY WE’VE ALWAYS DONE IT. Fortunately, we don’t have to keep doing it that way. Someone can blink and end the standoff.
Taking the initiative to give a little to get a lot does not make you the loser. It makes you the winner because you are making the choice to make peace. You are choosing to end the acrimony and let the past remain in the past. It will inform decisions and opinions because you experienced it, but it is not the present and it doesn’t have to be your future.
Making peace is hard because we have to lose to win. We have to lose our anger, our resentment, our suspicion, and our prejudices. We have to choose to be the person who says maybe I was wrong. We have to choose to open our minds again to other opinions and we have to choose uncertainty over the comfort of our feud. Making peace is uncomfortable because we must let go of our preconceived notions and say, “Maybe the other guy has a point.”
Making peace in our relationships is the only way to move the world forward. To do that, someone must take the first step and make the first concession. That person could be you.
