Let Go of the Past to Win Hearts and Minds
In a previous post titled “Making Peace,” (September 23, 2023), I noted the following:
After a time, the stubbornness becomes the goal, and we often forget WHY we are being so stubborn. Both parties will not give way in any shape or form. Old grievances are listed again and again as we are determined to prove that we are right and they are so very wrong.
The problem is exacerbated by the “we/they” split. We become us and them; they are the enemy that has so grievously wronged us. Therefore, we will not give way or make any accommodations because, well, THEY STARTED IT!
But did they really start it? Did we actually start it? Was it a misunderstanding blown out of proportion and no one even remembers what happened and why everyone is so angry? Are we hanging on because we have tunnel vision and we cannot see another way because we have been so angry and frustrated with each other for so long?
The problem with this attitude is that it carries into the future, no matter how many new people get involved. The “old timers” remember all the negativity and all the bad stuff and make a point of passing it on to the new people in the group. And they certainly make it clear to the enemy that we don’t care if you weren’t here before. We are going to blame you too!
Sadly, this attitude underwrites most of human relationships, especially when it relates to the needs and desires of special interest groups. When an underserved or under-recognized group has tried for years to make change, they understandably get frustrated and angry. But when someone from outside their group tries to make a difference, that person becomes “other” and is approached with mistrust and derision. “We’ve been trying for years . . . “ “You don’t know our experience . . . “ “You don’t use the words we want you to use. . . .” and on and on and on.
This is why problems don’t get solved and services are not delivered. If you are angry all the time and continue to keep a tally of all the past transgressions, sins, slights, and perceived insults, you can’t see a path forward. And you’ll be damned if “someone else” makes any progress on your issue – no matter how good their intentions are – or their ideas.
We all struggle with this attitude – it’s part of the human condition and likely harks back to our experiences in the tribal model. “Other” meant danger and possibly an enemy. I fight this myself and have to remind myself that other really means different.
In trying to win hearts and minds, we must commit to the long arc of committed activity. Some things can be resolved quickly while others may take decades. The Suffragettes worked for 100 years to secure the right to vote for women in the United States. That means some people didn’t live long enough to see the goal achieved. How disheartening that must have been for those who didn’t see it. But others took up the cause and continued it until the goal was reached.
The other item to keep in mind is that you cannot win hearts and minds with a bad attitude, anger, and nastiness. You win hearts and minds by demonstrating your commitment to positive change. If you are a Chief Staff Executive you don’t go to your Board of Directors and yell at them; you explain to them what your proposing, let them see why it’s a good idea, and win support with patience and good will.
A real-world example near and dear to my heart is the fantastic work we have been doing in the ASAE Consultants community over the last year. We made strides because we made a commitment to let go of the anger and frustration and look forward. We started taking positive steps to demonstrate our commitment to a better consultant member experience. We made our connections stronger, shared resources, started meeting virtually each month, and suggested “doable” services and resources.
This led to an incredibly high energy in-person meeting at ASAE Annual in August 2024. We had a great turnout, great conversation, and generated plans for the future. The most important thing is this: since we stopped being angry and complaining all the time and SHOWED what we could do and what we wanted, we started getting more support.
People notice when you make a change of mindset. While it’s easier said than done most of the time, this is what moves things forward. This is how people make change and create what they want and need. Success comes from our mindset whether it is changing policy, improving an experience, or getting ready for the CAE Exam.
Words create ideas. Ideas lead to thoughts. Thoughts lead to action. This guides our choices – only we can let go of our past and look ahead to the future we want to bring into reality.
Don’t look back in anger; look ahead with hope.