Women: Time to Exit the Harem
I was on a networking call one evening this week, and I ended up staying on to talk to a friend of mine who also happens to be a woman. One of the things we had discussed in our networking call was funny examples of negotiating deals or contracts. As I wrote about in last week’s article, “Women, Ask for What You Want,” negotiating is just that – ask for what you want.
My friend told me she has two sisters and none of them have any trouble asking for what they want – and usually getting it! – because their mother taught them to be independent. They learned early in life what it took Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz” an entire journey through a strange land to realize: she had the power to go home the entire time. She didn’t need the Wizard’s help.
We also talked about how we couldn’t understand why women are afraid to speak up. How did we get to the place where women have absorbed the message that like children, they should be seen and not heard? So many women say they don’t want to rock the boat or upset anyone. But don’t they care if they are upset?
Many societal attitudes are passed down over time, sometimes from thousands of years ago. There was a time when men and women were more equal in their roles because we lived as nomadic tribes. Everyone had to contribute to the survival of the group, and the best leaders were chosen based on their ability to keep the tribe alive. It had nothing to do with gender and everything to do with skill.
However, we then created a little something called “civilization.” The roles of men completely changed because instead of hunting, they now had time to think and talk to each other. Women’s roles also changed but for the worse. Instead of being considered equal and part of the survival ecosystem, they were relegated to second class status, not real people, but necessary for the continuation of bloodlines.
Talk about a fall from grace. Once mighty warrior/priestesses were now nothing more than chattel, traded like property, and diminished, ridiculed, and painted as temptresses that led men astray. Women were relegated to menial work and gathered in harems like herds into a corral. “Let’s keep them locked up and that way we can keep an eye on them” was the attitude.
Women lost whatever power they had in the greater society, but within the harem, a new society formed with its own power structure and influencers. Wives were more important than concubines, but if you gave birth to a potential heir, your status increased. If you were a wife, you wanted to be a favorite wife because you had more influence and power over the other women.
From this mentality a worldview of women fighting with each other and holding each other down was born. The concept of women helping each other disappeared as women learned a terrible lesson: the only way to get ahead is to knock down the women around you. And we wonder why there is no “women’s network” like the Old Boys Club.
Bringing this concept forward to the modern era, another topic I discussed with my friend was how women still struggle to find mentoring and guidance from their women supervisors (I’m using this term instead of boss). Even today we hear that women are not helping other women as much as they could. While women supervisors seem quick to criticize, they are slow to praise or provide any feedback.
I once managed a staff that was all women. One of the women team members that reported to me said, “You’re not like other women bosses I’ve had.” And I replied, “What do you mean?” And her answer was: “Because you actually try to help us.”
While we have taken a step outside the harem, we still need to make a full exit and embrace our power as women, individuals, and leaders.
