Should This Have Been a Phone Call?
Cecilia Sepp, CAE, ACNP, LPEC
I was reminded earlier this week that the Universe will always seek balance. On Monday, I received a very kind (and totally unexpected) email from a colleague thanking me for the volunteer work I do in the consultant community. It was a lovely surprise and much appreciated.
A simple thank you goes a long way, whether it is by phone, in person, email or a handwritten note. The thing I like best about a written note thanking or complimenting me is that on a bad day I can take it out and read it for a boost of positive energy.
Humans love to complain or point out what’s wrong with each other but rarely remember to compliment or point out what they like about other people. It is few and far between that we give people the benefit of the doubt.
Now, back to that universe balance thing: while I received a positive message on Monday, my email on Tuesday morning contained an “eek mail” – someone claiming “long time relationship so I can say this to you” type message – used email to scold me and accuse me of something I didn’t do.
It was a way too long message saying I did something wrong at a networking event because I offered to help someone during the closing discussion. Egads -- I offered assistance in what I approached as a networking event, not realizing that to the organizer it was an opportunity for the speaker to get business.
What startled me is that I have attended and presented in this series several times. It was never clear to me that the point of the last segment was business development. I always thought it was sharing and connection.
Did I mention that the Tuesday message noted that “my silence if I choose not to respond is considered agreement”? In my opinion, this is the use of email as a weapon and a way of telling someone off while avoiding consequences. If someone has a problem with me, okay, talk to me. Don’t send me email bombs to scold me or diminish me or silence me.
Earlier this year, a friend got angry with me because I said something they didn’t like. They called me and yelled at me. I understood their anger and I accepted it. What I didn’t accept was the nasty follow up text, so I didn’t respond to it. The text bothered me but no one wins a flame war.
If the person who sent the “eek mail” on Tuesday had called me and had a conversation, I would have listened to their issue and why they thought I did something wrong. I would have apologized and said I would behave better in the future now that I know the policy. While I would have been embarrassed, there would not have been hard feelings.
Instead, I was angry, hurt, and insulted by someone I thought I had a good relationship with – and yes, now there are hard feelings. It also sent the message that this person doesn’t think much of me since they would accuse me of unprofessional and rude behavior.
I know it’s hard to talk to people about a problem or a behavior that upset you. It is why I choose those conversations carefully. And if I do decide to have a difficult conversation, I practice what I want to say beforehand so I stay calm. It is the best way to have a positive outcome and to create understanding. Neither of us may “win” the conversation, but it is more respectful. And sometimes you find out that what you thought was happening is not the case.
Stewing over something for weeks and then slamming someone with a long email is not the answer. Stew if you need to for a time but then reach out by phone and have a discussion. Nothing difficult or contentious is ever solved by email.
How do you decide if you should phone or email? Here’s some things I use to help me decide:
Is it something you want the person to hang on to for a long time, like a thank you or a compliment? Send an email.
Is what you are writing something that you would say to the person’s face? If not, then don’t send the email. Make a phone call or let it go (I roll my eyes and let things go more often now because, again, no one wins a flame war).
Do you want to contact the person because they made you angry, hurt your feelings, or insulted you? Take a few days or weeks and then call them.
Are you sharing information about an event or a project? Email helps memorialize the information. Send it.
Are you lashing out because something else angered or hurt you? Figure that out first before you hit send. Don’t pick up the phone either. Wait until you are clear about it.
Or you can write an article for your blog and share your experience. Maybe it will help someone else.
Technology can be a boon to humanity when it comes to communication, connection, and community. But it can also be a terrible dehumanizing weapon as we too often see on social media.
Anonymity makes us monsters. Taking the time to really see each other and find out what is going on, rather than doing something cruel, is what makes us human. The choice, as always, is yours.
