How NOT to Talk to Sick or Injured People
In the nonprofit management profession, we know the importance of communication. It is vital to use the best communication tools for the target audience we want to reach, and to use appropriate messaging. For example, we don’t want to promote a certification to those in the profession we serve if they don’t qualify yet, but we may want to promote an upcoming conference to that group.
We all know that the right message for the right audience is crucial to success. This makes me wonder why we don’t keep this in mind in our personal lives when we talk to people – especially sick or injured people.
As a currently injured person who is on month two of 2 months of bedrest, I have heard from a lot of people sharing good wishes for a speedy recovery and offering support. These are the best type of messages to hear when you are sick or injured because it reminds you that you are not alone and it cheers you up. It helps remove a feeling of isolation too.
And then there are the other messages which make your eyes roll. Really hard.
“You’ll be better before you know it.” “Just hang in there – or any other cliche.” “ “Do what the doctor says!” “Stay positive. You shouldn’t feel bad or negative.” “I remember when I broke my leg” . . . and then launch into your own story with excruciating detail.
Well Dear Reader, I am here to tell you that is a bunch of HOOEY. It’s not what someone wants to hear when they are in pain or ill. It’s totally okay to sympathize by saying, “I’ve been there and I know how you feel” but don’t go much farther down your own memory lane. Why? Because you are then making it about you and not the person who is currently dealing with a health issue. It’s totally okay to say something like “I’m glad I’m not the only one who is bad with crutches!” because that shows some solidarity of a shared experience.
If you are able bodied and somewhat healthy, ignoring the downside of someone’s recovery is beyond insensitive. It is downright rude and sometimes cruel. Lecturing, dictating, or “coaching” a sick or injured person is not helpful at all. It is actually quite upsetting because you are not the one stuck on bedrest and unable to walk for two months – or maybe longer.
When people are sick or injured, they will have times that they are sad, frustrated, discouraged, and generally feeling low. Why? BECAUSE WE ARE SICK OR INJURED. Some days are better than others but on the days that are bad, we have the right to our feelings. Telling someone to “cheer up and stay positive” is, in my opinion, something that people say to make themselves more comfortable – it has nothing to do with the sick or injured person.
I sometimes hear people say in times of crisis or illness, “I don’t know what to say.” Having been through a lot of things in my life, I will tell you this: If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. As Mark Twain noted, “Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”
Of course, there are good people in the world that say the wrong thing because they think that’s what they are supposed to do: look the other way and don’t confront the pain and suffering you see. But that diminishes the Human Experience. We need to feel all the feelings and to understand that sometimes we suffer. No one likes to suffer but it is part of human existence and we need to learn to deal with it when it happens to us or those we care about.
When someone is sick or injured, and they tell you they are feeling down, don’t hit them with your happy stick. Say something like, “I’m sorry to hear that; what is going on? Is there anything I can do to help?” Or maybe just listen. Most of the time expressing feelings removes the heavy weight of negativity because you can then let it go. I say be a good listener if someone you know is sick or injured.
Friedrich Nietzche said, “To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.” Don’t minimize someone’s experience because you want to make yourself feel more comfortable. The best way to help the sick and injured is to be supportive no matter what kind of day they are having.
And let’s remember that our professional communication skills are transferable to other parts of our life.
