Muted Voices
There is a lot of frustration for women who work to be heard but instead are ignored, diminished, and dismissed. There are times it feels like our volume isn’t on and we are perpetually on mute.
Let me start out by saying that some of my best friends are men. Yes, dear reader, that is always a loaded statement when we lead in with that phrase, but this is a vexing topic and I’m not man-bashing. Some of the men out there might feel like I am bashing them, so in advance, I will apologize as that is not my intent. My intent is to get your attention.
Even my men friends are great at muting the voices of women. Sure, they tell you they think you are capable, smart, professional in conversation, yet when it comes to being treated as a trusted source of information, they look away from us to other men – even if we have more expertise or knowledge on that topic or area. This occurs often in groups of people and I see the tight smiles of my women colleagues who see what is happening but don’t speak up about it.
The message this sends is that only men know things. Only men can be trusted to share expertise. Only men can answer questions. Despite my decades of experience working in the area of health care policy and with many types of health care organizations, I was flabbergasted on a networking call a few years ago when women in the group asked a financial adviser for information on health policy. Why? Because he was a man.
Of course, I spoke up. I said, “why are you asking him? He does finance. Health care is one of my areas of expertise.” Fortunately, being a somewhat evolved man, he agreed and replied, “I was just going to say the same thing.”
Another example: earlier this year, I was the only woman at an in-person networking event for nonprofit management consultants. We had a great conversation about what we do for our clients, how we could connect, and using our membership at ASAE to continue building relationships and opportunities. At some point, the conversation turned to gender and it was mentioned that I was the only woman at the meeting.
Initially I used humor to help the flow of conversation but then I decided to take the bull by the horns. I scanned the group and said, “Try being a woman in this profession and deal with all the condescension and misogyny. Then try to be a woman thought leader in this profession because there aren’t any.” Again, I was fortunate to be in a group of somewhat evolved men and they said, “You know, you are right.”
Sometimes we need to point out the obvious to those around us – especially men (again I remind you that some of my best friends are men). It’s an old saying that if a woman says it no one pays attention but if a man says it, he is lauded and congratulated – even if it is 5 minutes after a woman says the same thing. I have this conversation from time to time with my women friends and colleagues and often they say, “Well what can you do about it? It’s just the way it is.”
I’ll tell you what we can do about it: We can unmute ourselves and use our voice to own our ideas. We can call out the bad behavior of all of us in this area of muting the voices of women. Sadly, women mute themselves and each other and it needs to stop. This happens because we accept that this is the way it is, or maybe it’s a fear factor of being ostracized. But we fought for the vote and won. We can do this too – perhaps without the hunger strikes, time in prison, and forced feedings. The Suffragettes suffered to earn universal suffrage; building on their success is honoring their work and sacrifice to earn equality.
It doesn’t matter how many women are in the profession, or even how many women are in the top jobs, if women are never taken seriously and never respected for their expertise. Some of the women reading this may say “oh I don’t do that” but then we’ll reflect and we’ll realize we do. We mute our own voices and let the silence overwhelm us.
Finding and using our voice takes courage and confidence. We can find both of these by exploring the depths of our expertise and experience.
