A Year Since
It has been one year since I broke my leg. I’d like to have a cool story to tell you about it, like I was fighting off Somali pirates on a cruise ship but it’s not anywhere near that interesting. I tripped over one of my dogs running upstairs. And because I was carrying something in both hands, I had no way to break my fall. My left leg twisted inwards and when I landed, all my weight hit my left knee.
The injury I incurred is called a tibial plateau fracture. Many times, people get this type of injury skiing. Mine was just a stupid confluence of fatigue, dogs in the wrong place at the wrong time, and bad choices.
To add insult to injury, I fell off my crutches two days later and seriously injured my back. I still have a lot of pain and discomfort from the back injury but I can report there is some improvement. However, I need to be careful about my physical ambitions or I end up in a lot of pain the next day. I’ve also noticed that my left leg (the one I “broke”) gets incredibly stiff if I sit too long. If you see me fidgeting on Zoom calls, it’s usually my back causing me discomfort.
When you get a tibial plateau fracture, even if you have surgery to repair the bone, you are not allowed to put any weight on your leg for eight weeks. I was fortunate that I did not require surgery but I still had to stay off my leg which meant two months of bed rest. And while it sounds comical falling off my crutches right after breaking my leg, which I do sometimes laugh about, it robbed me of my confidence. I did not trust the crutches anymore nor did I trust myself not to fall – ME, a former athlete and active individual, was afraid to walk. I hated using the crutches and to this day I refer to them as “death sticks.”
In one wrong move, I ended up losing my independence, confidence, and sense of agency. I no longer made my own schedule, and sometimes I couldn’t make my own decisions. My day was completely dependent on other people: my husband and Charlotte, the professional caregiver who helped care for me. I could do very little for myself at first. Moving was painful and frightening, and since I couldn’t stand up easily or use the crutches unattended, I had to wait for others to help me wash my face, brush my teeth, get dressed, and bring me food.
It felt like I would never get better.
I’ve had physical injuries before because I’m an active person but I never had one that completely sidelined me. The mental and emotional toll was serious but no one wanted to talk about that part. And even though I was moving around again, it was still challenging and difficult. For example, because my left leg was still weak, I used a cane until November 2024.
I’d like to say I learned some life changing lesson from this experience but since I was going through it day to day, life lessons will be revealed at some future point. But what were some of the things I learned, because of course, we learn something from every experience. Right?
Well, I learned there are 12 steps from our basement to the first floor, and 14 steps from the first floor to the second floor. You pay attention to these things when you realize that you can’t walk up and down the stairs without thinking about it. And who knew that the one step from our garage into the basement was SO HIGH?? It’s really not but when you can’t put weight on your leg and you are in a wheelchair or stepping up or down with a walker it seems like walking off a cliff. Previously, I NEVER thought about the stairs; I just used them.
One thing I remember vividly happened on a Tuesday: it was the first day that I could stand without assistance. I couldn’t walk but I could balance on my own two legs without leaning on anything. It felt like I ran a 5K! Those moments that show you are getting back to mobility and independence are the ones you really remember. It meant I could brush my teeth without any help because I could use my walker to get to the sink and then STAND UP. What a great feeling!
Since I had two serious injuries that prevented me from climbing the stairs, I had to live in our nicely finished basement for 5 months. I didn’t sleep in my own bed from mid-May to mid-September. While it’s a nice basement, the windows are small so you can’t see much. Mostly what I saw were the walls and whatever I had on my computer screen. It was a limiting experience that was similar to solitary confinement.
Thank goodness for Netflix, Paramount+, and Tootsie Rolls. These were the things I relied on to make my life at the time more comfortable.
Technology was a savior for me. Thanks to computers, tablets, and smart phones, I was able to stay connected to the world outside my basement even though I was restricted in my physical movements. After a few weeks I was able to finish the two active client projects I had underway, continue writing my blog, and produce new episodes of my podcast. I even finished my first book.
When I am asked a form of this question: “Are you all healed now?” I would love to say yes 100%. But that is not the case as recovery is more complicated than that. Despite it being one year since, I am still working on all the layers of healing. Like a cracked vase that is glued back together, it might look fine but it will never be the same.
